don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
