Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We left the knife in your bed.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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