Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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