toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
