i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
