I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
