Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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