I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
