we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize