He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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