He kissed a someone with a penis
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
