checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
