Umm I'm too high to move.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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