awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
