Can i not drive my cunt home
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize