if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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