just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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