then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
