she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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