Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You pole danced in your parka.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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