i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
