That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
