The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
