you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
