end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
