just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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