from now on my penis is your penis
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
