This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize