We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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