just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
