It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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