cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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