Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
