Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
