we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
