Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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