I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
