You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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