My hand turned me down
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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