Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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