Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
