I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
