Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
