I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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