sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Farmville is her only friend.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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