well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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