I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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