i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
50% drunk capacity currently
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize