i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
