I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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