You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize