This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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