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my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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