laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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