I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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