shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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