I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize