i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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