just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
