Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize