my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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