Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
