My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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