Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
